Third Places: The Gift of Gab
Be. the. Change. Acrylic and tempera on wood panel, 11” H x 14” W x 7/8” D, 2021.
You can find The B.T.C. Grocery right on Water Valley’s Main Street. And from the outsider perspective, this grocery/restaurant/vintage shop, which stands for Be the Change and that’s been serving the community since 2010, is geographically and culturally one of the centers of town. Killer food, open minds, no pretension. According to their website and awesome cookbook that I happily own (which they say is the only cookbook you can find at both Cracker Barrel and Anthropologie):
“The B.T.C. was the daydream of Alexe van Beuren, a Viriginian transplant to the small town of Water Valley, Mississippi. Inspired by the possibilities of the historic brick building her husband, Kagan Coughlin, had bought and single-handedly rescued, Alexe decided to combine her love of food, story, and place into a store like no other. A place where women in church hats and men off of trucks would mingle and where there’s a playhouse just for children.”
Let’s be super clear –the magic of third places comes from the literal space and time they provide us to talk to each other.
Not talk at each other.
Not text each other.
Not send DMs.
But the ability to have real, meandering conversations, in person. So even if you’re gathered together for, say, playing basketball or quilting, chatting quickly becomes the central affair.
The Book Vault, acrylic on wood panel, 12” x 12”, 2024.
Nestled in an old bank building, the Book Vault encapsulates the typical ways-of-being in Oskaloosa, Iowa. This independent bookstore has an open-door-policy with Smokey Row, its next-door-neighbor coffee shop, with literally an open door between the two so that folks can wander in and out with books and coffee.
There are multiple book clubs that meet regularly at the Book Vault. The shop even has its own demonstration kitchen, and since it’s opening in 2005, it’s employed many, MANY Oskaloosa residents. Matter of fact, folks new to town have been known to work there just to meet people.
Julie Hansen, Emeritus Librarian at William Penn University, and Nancy Simpson co-developed the Book Vault from the (not literal) ashes of the former Johnson Abstract Building, using the vaults in the building to house different genres of books. Nearly everyone I spoke with about what was good in Osky mentioned the Book Vault by name.
Oskaloosa’s superpower is collaboration, and it’s genius lies in cultivating many third places in the community. The Book Vault is no different, co-hosting public puzzle tournaments at Penn Central Mall, pop-up shops at regional breweries, book signings, storytimes, yoga classes, and many, many book clubs.
Why This Matters
We’re addicted to the glowing rectangles in our pockets and the buds in our ears.
You might have noticed.
Walking dogs, eating at restaurants, any kind of public transportation, walks in nature.
We are also sadder, angrier, more distracted and more hopeless. Which has us looking for that dopamine hit from a like or a notification or a text or a sloth video, which makes us more distracted, more anxious, sadder and angrier.
Yay, us.
Talking to folks in low-stakes ways actually does, according to science, make us feel better in a real way, and counteracts our national pastime of being sad-sack shut-ins.
It Takes a Village, acrylic on masonite. 8” H x 8” W x 1.75” D, 2020.
In 2016, The Reclaimed Project founded The Village to provide very low-cost downtown apartments for teachers who move to Marks to teach in local public schools. The downtown storefront is a community space that hosts a community coffee each Wednesday, Kids Club after school program, a Ladies in Prayer group, and Gents, a mentor program for young men.
LOL
Effective third place chitchat is lively, uninhibited, hilarious. Laughter is a constant and it’s vital, because humor requires us to think more flexibly and creatively. (This may be a clue to the success of the Daily Show. )
Laughter signals to our weirdo brains that we are socially safe, which makes us relax and more able to empathize and form social bonds. Not to mention, lower blood pressure, cortisol, levels, etc, etc, etc.
The Rules of Engagement
Clearly, how we talk to one another also matters.
Courtesy of Ray Oldenburg, here’s a brief primer on how to be a decent conversationalist, and human, instead of an annoying monologue-r:
Talk less.
Listen well.
Be honest, but not cruel. Jokes are fine, just watch how mean they are.
Avoid topics not of general interest, no matter how compelling you think they are.
Talk less about yourself and ask after others who are present.
Don’t instruct. If they didn’t ask, they probably don’t want your advice.
Don’t be super loud, particularly if you are super drunk.