Third Places: Be a Regular
Husband Aaron at the relocated Greenhouse on Porter in Ocean Springs, MS, circa 2019.
Husband Aaron is a committed news reader. Fanatical may be an exaggeration, but not terribly far off. Local, state, national politics – he loves it all.
How this all started:
Although he read the local paper as a kid, Aaron didn’t begin following politics until his early twenties after an impactful, four-minute conversation with an older gentleman at Tradewinds, one of those local bars with a meat-and-three lunch, softball team, and weekly karaoke.
Aaron spent a fair amount of time there at lunch and after work when he first moved to Ames in 1999. Most other kids his age were students at Iowa State, but Aaron was a full-time data technician at a civil engineering firm with a bunch of late middle-aged dudes. Tradewinds and his cousin Amie were his two social outlets.
So, one day, sitting at Tradewinds minding his own business, a regular asked Aaron if he followed politics. Aaron: nah, not really. In Midwestern brevity, this older gentleman gave Aaron a four-minute, plain-speak rundown of what voting Republican or Democrat meant, in his opinion.
Those three sentences resonated and shifted the way Aaron looked at the world. And since then, he’s followed politics with fervor.
This little tale illustrates how much having regulars - the fifth quality of third places – can change folks’ lives.
Regulars transform from strangers into trusted friends, and can change your perspective and your life.
Pale Moon, a legendary bar/supper club in Sunshine, Iowa. Owned by cousin Amie's brother, Josh. Known for the annual squirrel hunt over Pancake Day weekend each fall.
Benefits of Third Place Friendships
Ray Oldenburg in his book, Great Good Places, describes the multitude of reasons your buddies from the local gym or bar or fishing spot are really good for you.
First of all, they often require less emotional investment, which is good. We need both close people and acquaintance people in our lives. Bar friends aren’t less important than your closest friends, they just serve a different need.
That more informal, rowdy nature can often put humor and laughter in the driver’s seat, which gives us a healthier outlook on life, kind of like therapy.
You can hang out with folks and nobody has to host, which is less stressful for everybody.
You may not have chosen these friends, but they came with the venue. And we often don’t have enough self-awareness and insight to know what kind of friends we need, so there’s a good chance these friends will teach you something. Like about your political beliefs, if you’re my spouse.
Typically, third places regulars are a set of friends. Having a crew counteracts having an emotional dependence a single person. That’s too much pressure for anybody.
Plus, being part of a larger group provides belonging, particularly if that group is adept at good conversational practices.
Pale Moon Squirrel Hunt participants, 2021.
While pecking away at this post, I asked my Iowa social media community about their local bar stories and here’s some of what they shared:
Top of the Town, an old bar on Ames’ Main Street, had pool and darts on the main level, plus a country bar that connected to a disco bar on the second floor. Softball leagues would meet there afterwards to have a few.
“Tradewinds was our watering hole of choice for the Big Table Books team and fans after city league softball games in the 1990s and early 2000s. We’d gather with pitchers of beer in either the booth watched over by Clint Eastwood’s image or, I think, John Wayne’s. Big Table was mostly faculty from the Iowa State English Department but also some random faculty spouses, students, or friends we could rope into playing. Weekly gatherings in the big, sweaty, carpeted booths were a requirement.”
The New York Times published a great article in 2023 about how being a regular can soothe loneliness.
Brush up on other magical qualities of third places:
Wheatsfield Co-op has been a meaningful community institution in Ames for the last half-century.
Another un-pictured response to Tell Us What You Love about the Co-op: "There's no one thing. I love the atmosphere. Like today. So many conversations with who I know and don't know. Positive energy rebuilding community."